We don’t often talk about it, the subject can be changed or conversations avoided, very few people know what to say. When parents lose a baby, the pain is traumatic and it lasts a lifetime – even years later, we may be accomplished and happy but the slightest scratch to the surface can unleash a raw pain that years haven’t faded.
We can get sympathy and understanding from other people but unless they have been through it, some are going to struggle with the death and with the ongoing grief. Some will assume we get over it, that we have healed; some will say it didn’t matter that much because we never got to know our baby (yes, I know WTF!!). I know too well how it feels to hear thoughtless comments, I have heard a few over the last decade. It is the small details that can often remind me of my baby – a song or a little comment and this isn’t always bad because I like to think of him.
As a mum whose baby son died 9 years ago, I try to live as full and as happy a life as I can for me and my family – but I have been left broken, a part of me will never be fixed and that’s ok because it is who I am now and it meant he was here.
It’s not often I imagine the life we would have had with him, I try to keep a lid on that as best I can because it is too painful. Sometimes a stupid and insensitive comment can send me spiralling, missing my son the boy, not just the baby – more chaos and noise in the house, running around as he wound up his older sisters, still doing the school run, all those cuddles, laughter, pride, happiness and joy I have missed out on. I look like I am doing well, like time has healed but I think of him several times a day and the pain of missing him can sometimes feel as raw as when he first died.
Please never assume a parent is over it because they keep on living life – missing your child is never over and, as painful as it is, neither should it be – our babies were here, they will live in our hearts and in our memories forever.