I turned 45 in March and I think I spent the previous 6 months feeling shit about it. 45 man, that sounds old!
I felt old, knackered and hormonal. I felt a bit passed it. But 45 has brought with it happiness, along with a huge dollop of I-COULDN’T-GIVE-A-SHITness and I am revelling in my life experience and the odd bit of wisdom.
As my midlife crisis gripped I became focused on the reality of life, on what success and happiness means, on what else I want to achieve in life. As someone with experience of depression, anxiety, loss and grief I felt like I had failed, like there were missed opportunities in my past. If only I had had more about me I could have been something. But then it hit me – who doesn’t reach 45 and not have some of those experiences? I am who I am because of these experiences – stronger, wiser, happier…
And 45 has bought a load of peace and an opportunity for positive reflection – I am something: mum, wife, friend and I am so lucky to have created a small business doing something I love.
Reflection means feeling settled with who I am and what I have and I seem to have shed that feeling of must do better, must strive for more, must be something else that has dogged me for my entire life. I am eating well because I want to, not because I want to lose weight and I am exercising because it makes me feel better, not because I feel that I should – this is a huge shift for me.
Loss and grief has featured heavily in the last 10 years – I have lost my son, my parents and two friends which has left me feeling fragile at times. Life can be short, life can be unpredictable, life is full of challenges but I want it without unnecessary stress and hassle. I want a calm existence and I finally think I’m doing ok and I need to cling to that with my house of teenage hormones and my wonderful perimenopause because the hot sweats, the mood swings, the brain fog and the insomnia are a bastard!