I am feeling great, I am feeling very happy and I wish I could bottle this feeling. This time of year is always difficult for me – 7 years ago I was almost at the end of a very emotional pregnancy, after which my son died and since then I have had some very low times, mixed with some wonderful times, I have felt damaged and I have felt strong, it has been a complete roller-coaster.
As the years pass, I feel stronger but no less connected to my son or the grief that has at times crippled me. I have written about the pain and the despair I have felt but therapy and the brillliant people around me have helped me feel less fragile. Today, as I write this I feel strong and positive – I have so much good in my life. I have always felt blessed to make, carry and meet my boy and, despite the pain of grief, I would never wish that I could erase it away.
There is, rightly so, much trauma attached to the loss of someone we love but I have been thinking about all the positives that have come out of my experience.
- I have a son – he is not here but he is my third, beloved child and I am comforted by thoughts of him everyday
- Because I knew he was so ill, the bond I felt with him in pregnancy was incredible, very intense and incredibly special. I was able to make time to be with him in pregnancy, when I was also juggling life with his two sisters
- The emotions and the helplessness I have felt have made me strong, resilient and empathic
- The emotional and the medical roller-coaster of my pregnancy, birth, postnatal period and life since have impacted on my work with parents. I feel that I can now provide a greater level of connection and care
- I am able to support parents who are expecting a poorly baby, who have experienced the loss of a baby and who may be expecting again
- I appreciate the peace that comes with his death – it was no one’s fault, we know why he died and we all had a little bit of time with him before he had to leave us
- My boy has given me an appreciation of the small, great things in life – the peace that comes with being with the people I love, an appreciation of doing what makes me happy. He has given me an appreciation of life and the reasons to enjoy it
- I don’t take anything for granted now
I think about and miss my boy everyday, there is a gaping hole in our lives where he should be. But loss isn’t always just about tragedy – I have had to focus on the good stuff as well, on the positive changes. I have become determined to live my life well, to make a difference and to be happy.