When it grips depression and anxiety are a crippling combination. Anyone who suffers will know how hard it is to fight everyday to stay positive and happy and focused and able. For anyone who hasn’t experienced depression, they probably just won’t get it.
When I am in the middle of what I call a crash, I am able to function well at work, it is a focus, a distraction, I am able to be there and I am able to be professional. But I struggle outside of work. I struggle to be bothered, to cook, converse, shop, do. I do what needs doing and not much else.
I used to fight this, I used to force myself to just continue on through it all but I have learnt that I need and love my work and I allow that to take my energy, everything else can wait. My husband can cook or we can get by with beans on toast – the kids won’t starve – and I will be on hand for cuddles and chats but I will probably be on the couch or in bed, feeling snug and feeling safe.
Depression robs me of my spirit, my energy and my smile, it makes me feel worthless, it makes me struggle to process simple thoughts, it makes me feel like I can’t be bothered. I don’t drink when I am depressed and, this time, I am not eating rubbish and I am still making an effort to move my fat ass. I know to do anything else will make me feel worse. It really is like waiting for a storm to pass – I have no control over it but I don’t want it to do any damage and I want to be up and out as soon as it has eased.
Everyone’s experience of depression is unique to them and it is important to find what works for you to manage it, to be safe and ride it out. It can be scary, it can make people feel vulnerable and it can affect anyone.