I thought I was doing so well, I had a wonderfully calm weekend and I thought I had it this year. I told myself the wheels weren’t going to fall off this year but I’ve just seen one roll at speed down the hill so I need to accept this is happening.
I will be emotional and I will cry, I will feel fragile and I will feel vulnerable. I will continue on as normal because that is what I do, it is what I have done for 10 years. It is a week when I am truly aware of what I have lost. My boy Jamie should be turning 10 this weekend but he wasn’t well enough to stay.
I can’t effectively put this week into words, it is always hard and next week is always better. I am back in a bubble of grief where life continues on as normal, his life and death are rarely acknowledged and I’m not sure I can do it again. There is always a sadness that I am not buying presents and preparing for his party. It is a week when I miss him more than at any other time and when the plaster is ripped off and my grief is almost as raw as when he died. 10 years on that hasn’t eased and I wonder if it ever will. I want to wallow but I can’t wallow, I keep working and there are two other birthdays in the next few days – my daughter and my husband – so there is much to do, much love and much to be grateful for.
Life is good but the trauma will probably last a lifetime.