Thinking about the boy

Jamie 052

 

As anyone who reads this blog knows, I write about the tough stuff as well as the lovely and amazing part of birth and babies. And I am very open about my own story – my births and my parenting highs and lows, my daughters and my experience of babyloss.

The week has arrived, the week that should be so happy, it should be a magical week of birthdays because my daughter, my son and my husband have birthdays within one week, this week. My daughter celebrated her 12th birthday on Saturday – it was a brilliant day and I hid my tears well, and I am about to wrap presents for my husband’s birthday in the middle of the week.

But my tears are falling today because I should be getting ready for my boy’s birthday tomorrow. There should be chaos and last minute wrapping and party organising to do but he never made it beyond his third day. This is my week to cry and to grieve and to allow my heart to break where I don’t keep busy, where I don’t have to be brave.

Every year is different and I can’t predict how I will be. This year I miss the child I don’t have, not the baby who died. This year I feel robbed of all the milestones and the cuddles and the kisses and the giggles and the chaos of having three children.  For 51 weeks of the year I rationalise this loss, I distract myself, I focus on all the good stuff in my life but for a few days this week I will cry until my eyes sting and I will remember my boy – how he felt as I stroked and kissed his skin and his hair, I will remember his smell, his eyes and the smile he gave us as a goodbye before he died.

 

I wrote a blog when I was pregnant with Jamie and for two years after he died – it kept me pretty sane and I share it now in case it is of use to someone else who is grieving.

And I also wrote a guestpost about babyloss last week in honour of my boy.

 

 

 

About Janine 574 Articles
I am an antenatal teacher, doula, baby massage instructor, postnatal educator, life coach, writer, mum, wife, friend and, sometimes, just me. As an experienced and qualified practitioner, I specialise in pregnancy, birth and early parenting - my aim is to listen, inform, support and reassure when needed. I have worked with parents since 2002 and I set up Birth, Baby & Family in 2011 to provide good information, a different perspective and links to the best products and services for families. I set up the Birth, Baby & Family Centre in 2014 to provide a welcoming, friendly and supportive space for parents across Tyneside.

8 Comments

  1. Thank you for sharing this, it must have been a terrible time for you.
    It’s only been a fortnight for me, but I feel I’m making progress.
    I want to get back to normal, but it’s the little things that keep catching me out and sometimes I just feel sadness.
    Thanks, Lisa x

  2. Thank you for sharing this, it must have been a terrible time for you.
    It’s only been a fortnight for me, but I feel I’m making progress.
    I want to get back to normal, but it’s the little things that keep catching me out and sometimes I just feel sadness.
    Thanks, Lisa x

  3. that’s the most beautiful picture just so full of love.

    My own son was born at 27 weeks and had a rough trot, but I brought him home. I can’t have more children, but I have him.

    I’ll never experience a normal childbirth, or proper breastfeeding, but I have my boy.

    Birth is so miraculous, death so very painful, I am sorry he couldn’t stay with you where he belonged.

  4. that’s the most beautiful picture just so full of love.

    My own son was born at 27 weeks and had a rough trot, but I brought him home. I can’t have more children, but I have him.

    I’ll never experience a normal childbirth, or proper breastfeeding, but I have my boy.

    Birth is so miraculous, death so very painful, I am sorry he couldn’t stay with you where he belonged.

  5. I have constant tears running down my face right now. He was such a beautiful boy. Reading this reminded me of things i’ll never get to do with my baby boy. I had complications with my pregnancy and had to give birth to him at 22 weeks pregnant. He lived for only a few minutes after birth, but my heart was just as big for him as for my other two children. My pain is still very fresh, and I still have moments when I don’t believe he’s gone. I’m trying to let reality set in, and make peace with it but I’m just not able to yet. My heart hurts for you, this pain seems like it will never go away. Prayers for you, and bless you and your baby boy <3

  6. I have constant tears running down my face right now. He was such a beautiful boy. Reading this reminded me of things i’ll never get to do with my baby boy. I had complications with my pregnancy and had to give birth to him at 22 weeks pregnant. He lived for only a few minutes after birth, but my heart was just as big for him as for my other two children. My pain is still very fresh, and I still have moments when I don’t believe he’s gone. I’m trying to let reality set in, and make peace with it but I’m just not able to yet. My heart hurts for you, this pain seems like it will never go away. Prayers for you, and bless you and your baby boy <3

  7. I’m so sorry for the loss of your boy. They will stay with us forever, as will the pain, sadly. Someone asked me a few years ago, if I could remove the pain and the memory of my boy would I do it. Not a chance! Despite the traumatic pain and heartache that sometimes takes my breath, I cherish my memories of my boy.
    My heart hurts for you too – no one should experience our loss. Much love you for you
    Janine xxxxx

  8. I’m so sorry for the loss of your boy. They will stay with us forever, as will the pain, sadly. Someone asked me a few years ago, if I could remove the pain and the memory of my boy would I do it. Not a chance! Despite the traumatic pain and heartache that sometimes takes my breath, I cherish my memories of my boy.
    My heart hurts for you too – no one should experience our loss. Much love you for you
    Janine xxxxx

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