The week before the boy’s birthday is always a tough one, it always has been. His birthday is often quite calm and it is always hard to plan work around it because I just don’t know how I will be. So this year I am ploughing on through it, I don’t know if that is a good thing or not but it is what I am doing.
Grief for me is about missing someone so much that my mind and body hurts so I feel a bit emotional and it all feels a bit raw. Grief for me is also about shedding a tear when I see sunflowers in the shops because it is a sign that the one week of the year I dread is here. It was such a traumatic week of love, hope, fear, anxiety, worry, emotion, relief and tension and that has cast a long lasting shadow.
Jamie’s birthday next week will be calm and normal but the days before are hideous and emotional – eight years on that hasn’t changed.